On Becoming An Orphan

Sorry for the long post, but I feel that, besides entertainment, the purpose of a blog is to pass on important info & experiences. So, in this light, and because I just have this need to write about it, I wanted to pass on my thoughts & experiences and some advice on becoming an Orphan.

It kind of odd to think of a 45+ year old as an “Orphan”, but that’s what I am. I have absolutely no “upstream” family anymore. In fact, the only blood I have left on this rock are my kids – that’s so scary in this day & age. The only way I can describe being Orphaned is like this: Imagine you lived on the shore of a large lake for your whole life and your parents taught you to sail. Every time you went out, they were both on the dock, waving at you & cheering you on. They helped you get the boat in the water & back out every time. Then one time you look back, and there’s only one. While that’s a tad scary you still sailed and the remaining parent still helped. Then, one trip, you look back and the dock’s empty. You are truly on your own.

So, kids, let me lay some thoughts & “advice” on you. There are some legal terms I’ll throw in here, you’ll need to translate them into the legalese of your locality.

BEFORE you become an Orphan – have The Talk with your parents. Make certain they have a will. Laws vary from place to place but there are counties in Virginia that if you die with no will ALL your property belongs to the County. Your heirs get nothing. If you want to be very, very slick – have them put all things of value (real estate, cars, investments, the bank accounts, etc.) into a revocable trust and have you named as a co-trustee. This does two things: 1) upon becoming an Orphan everything passes to you immediately & without taxation. 2) Should your parent become incapable of taking care of themselves, you have access and rights to all assets to take care of them. Otherwise YOU pay all the expenses out of pocket or fight the insurance companies.

Next, check out their financial position – are they “free & clear” or do they owe debts? If the latter you MUST tally those up and buy a term life insurance policy for that amount + $10 - $20K with you as the beneficiary. Take that policy and put it in a fireproof safe on in a bank safe deposit box.

Lastly – make absolutely certain you know what your parents’ wishes are for their final arrangements. Get them to write it down. I went through Hell because all of Ma’s friends wanted me to have a funeral service when she left explicit instructions not to. You may want to take the last, morbid step with them and actually make the arrangements and get them paid for.

Now, if there are more than one of you – you have siblings – things can get complex. Invest the time & money NOW to see a good inheritance/estate lawyer and get that all hammered out.

So, time passes and the day comes when you are an Orphan.

Yeah – it hurts. No, you cannot prepare for it. The only thing I can tell you is that it will feel like someone has clobbered you with a large club to the head and rammed a spear thru your heart. If you are very lucky you’ll simply go numb for an hour or so. That does not prepare you for the dreams, later.

Sadly – putting your parent’s affairs in order afterwards is a business and you must treat it that way. If you do not you will get eaten alive and have nothing to show for it. So, here is the time table for the first 48 hours:

1) Notify the local authorities if you need to. Ma was alone when she died so the place had to be treated like a crime scene. If they were attended, you can skip this step.

2) Notify the mortician ASAP. They can take possession of the body (that’s all it is now, you have to accept that) and get the Death Certificate process rolling. I cannot express the importance of that !!!!!!! Everything hinges on this.

3) Sweep the residence for valuables. You are looking for cash, jewelry, stocks, bonds, other negotiable items, fine art, checks, credit cards and identification. Get them out of the house. There are scum who watch activity such as bodies being moved and death notices then break in to the house. You might even consider getting all the locks changed.

4) Now, go eat & get some rest. You will not feel like eating – you have to! And put the damned booze bottle down. There will be time for that later.

5) The next day you must go see the mortician and follow their directions. Depending on the instructions left you may have to pick out a set of clothes, etc. They will ask you for information for the Death Certificate. Make certain you know, or have on record, your parents social security number, date of birth, level of education, parents names (birth parents), place of birth, etc. It is beyond important to get all of this right. Again – your efforts will stop without that DC!!! Get at least 10 copies.

6) If your parent was getting newspapers delivered you must stop the subscription. A pile of news papers out front tells every scumbag out there the place is empty & unattended. Go by the house daily to get the mail.

7) Call all the credit card companies and cancel the cards. They may ask for a copy of the DC. Get a fax number and when the DC comes in, fax it over to them. Have them send final bills to you.

8) Call any banks or mortgage companies your parent owed loans to. Inform them of the event – they may already have insurance on the loan and you will only need to send them a DC copy.

9) If they are on pension or getting some sort of annuity contact those folks.

10) Remember that insurance policy you took out? Call them NOW. They will need to get a claim form to you.

11) OK, as you are a co-trustee, you are also a co-signer on their checking accounts. Notify the bank and get a print out of the state of the account on the day the parent passed.

12) Did they have investments? If so, contact the broker or agency they used. Again – get a print out of the valuation on the day they passed.

13) If you had spoken to an estate attorney – call them now.

14) Go eat, get some rest, have one – ONE – drink. You have no idea how vulnerable you are right now.

You’ve survived the first 48 hours. There are two major events coming up:

1) The services & funeral. Do not let more than two weeks pass in getting this done. Your religion may require faster action. There is always that one relative that just can’t fit you in – screw’em. Do what needs to be done and move on.

2)Getting the death certificate. This is what allows to move forward. If someone asks you for a copy of the certificate, always ask; “Do you need a sealed original, or will a photocopy do?” Most will accept a photo copy, some will need an original, some will need to see the original & make a copy for themselves.

Now, gather the original will, an original Certificate, all auto titles, the deed to any real estate, the bank valuations you got back in steps 10 & 11 and call the Clerk of The Court for Probate Matters (or whatever they call it in your neck of the woods). Make your appointment and make certain all heirs named in the will are there.

Take at least one full week off from work. You need to go back to the house/apt. and clean out the food stuff and sweep again for valuables. Keep the yard tidy. Start cleaning the place as you will probably be selling it unless you or one of your siblings really wants it. Once the County & the lawyers say it’s OK, get property titled/deeded into your name.

Now, remember I said to get that insurance policy for debts + $10 - $20K more? When it comes in pay off the debts, pay off the funeral arrangements then do something for your self! Something nice. Buy that iPod you always wanted, maybe go on a trip but, for the Love of God, don’t use it for anything practical like paying off debts. I’m saving mine to trick out the bike this winter ;)

Folks will ask what they can do to help. Your first reaction is going to be “Nothing, I have it all under control!” Let them help. Even if it’s just bringing over a meal – let them help. Some things they cannot do legally.

One day you will need to clean out the old house. Your first impulse will be to save everything. Don’t. You will be able to judge if something should be kept because it’s valuable and may be e-Bay worthy. As for sentimental value – hold the object (if you can). Do you get an immediate, strong memory? Is it something you literally grew up with and gives you a sense of comfort? If so, keep it. If not, donate it if you can.

Yes, things return to normal over time. You will find yourself thinking & doing odd things. I actually found myself dialing my Ma’s number to tell her how nice the folks at the DMV had been in getting her car titled in my name!!!! Well, you have five stages of grief to get through. Find support where you can, move on.

Well, kids, that’s all I have. I hope this gives you some decent guidance. If you have questions, I’ll be here. I have a couple of urchins to raise.