Showing posts with label Work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Work. Show all posts

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Professional Certifications - Again? Really? I thought we learned our lessons.

The Next Great Scam
There is something you should know about the HR folks at the firm you are applying for – they do not want to talk to you. Ever. They will spend as much time as they can erecting barriers to entry so they minimize the time reading resumes, conducting interviews and on-boarding new recruits. And there are a lot of organizations helping them out, raking in great profits and all with your tax dollars helping out.

Back in the day your entry to the work force was based on two things: who you know & what you know. Perhaps it was a simple as working in the Old Man’s garage. When the OM retired, you took over. You gained your knowledge under the oak tree bashing out the fender of some junker you bought for $20 and then landed a non-paying spot during the summer working on cars that actually run. Or, maybe you were of the “white collar” group and either landed an internship at the accounting firm, or Daddy sent you to college or you did your time in the Armed Forces and got your GI Bill and away you went. Of course, you could also work a couple of jobs and pay for college yourself. Everyone had barriers to entry but everyone had the opportunity to do something.

Then came along the entitlements. Sometime in the 1960s a college degree became a guaranteed right, not something to be saved for or sacrificed for. People of all walks of life were suddenly entitled to at least four years of drunken & stoned good times. This was done through Government grants, guaranteed loans and a number of other programs in which you (yes, YOU!) were guaranteed at least a BA in Underwater Basket Weaving. The result? The four year degree was devalued to the point of a high school diploma. It was nothing special, it was expected. In the 1980s “industry” put out the word that an MBA was needed if you expected any kind of management position. When I graduated from GWU in 1987 more than 40% of those at the ceremony were MBA grads. As you can imagine, the cost of a MBA program rose exponentially making it one of the most expensive academic programs outside of the medical fields.

Again, as the income of the nation rose and Government programs adjusted, the barriers to consideration for a step up the corporate ladder became higher. The playing field suddenly leveled at post graduate work. Out of every ten jobs I look at these days, eight require advanced degrees. So, of course, folks went out & got them. Now the HR departments had yet another problem, how to say “No” really fast and get on with the day.

Along came “Certifications.” Let’s understand something right here and now. Certifications are nothing more than a cash machine for the “Accrediting Body,” study guide publishers and test taking centers. That’s it – that’s all. The body of knowledge behind these certifications are some of the largest clouds of vapor and hocus pocus you will ever encounter. Now, this assessment does not arise from the trampling of sour grapes. No, I know four CISSPs who described the CISSP BOK and the test in words like these; “You will apply almost none of what you memorize in the CISSP to real life.” Read that again. According to these four seasoned INFOSEC specialists, the CISSP credential is worthless as far as applied knowledge goes. But look at the cash generated by this: $2,500 for a review seminar or $15,000 for a boot camp. $600 for the exam. $150 - $400 in books and guides. Didn’t pass the exam? Wash, rinse, repeat.

Let me also say this; I have been leading very successful programs and projects since the late 1980s. In studying the course materials for the PMP exam I have yet to have anything close to an epiphany in Project Management. The PMBOK appears to be nothing more than common sense wrapped up in pretty diagrams and jargon.

Add to this the fact these accreditations are being handed out like candy, very expensive candy, yes. Let’s look the “in service” requirements for the CISSP & PMP (by the way – I am picking on these two because they are the most asked for certifications out there and are the two BOKs I am most familiar with). CISSP requires five years in IT security. Now, they define this very, very loosely. In fact, you have a menu of ten “areas of discipline” from which you can choose two. What does this mean? If you have had to enter a password into a system to retrieve tapes and transport them off site for five years (four with a degree), well, you probably can qualify. Now all you need is a pile of cash (supposedly the Government will give you that) good test taking skills and two friends who are CISSPs to write letters for you and VIOLA! You are a CISSP and worth more than someone with an advanced degree in computer science.

The PMP, on the other hand, requires 4,500 hours (three years) of logged, project management experience. Now, does that mean 4,500 actual hands on, or just three years acting as a PM? The rules are very nebulous on this point.

The worst thing about these scams is that I know of no one in industry who wakes up and says; “By golly! We need to require random certifications! Because, goodness knows a college education, experience and a good work ethic are NOT enough!”

The final insult comes directly from the Department of Defense. It is quite obvious that someone in DoD owns massive stock in Comp TIAA, (ISC)2 and Sylvan/Prometric. Under DoD 8750 any SysAdmin touching a server MUST have A+, Network + or SSCP and be certified in an Operating System. Mind you, these folks are going to be doing work on SERVERS. A+ deals with DESKTOPS. Network plus is basic networking skills and SSCP is basic security skills. N+ & SSCP are redundant to the Operating System Certification and A+ is useless in the described environment. The requirement for these certifications adds NO value, costs the tax payers money and only serves to raise the barriers to entry for people and organizations.

So, kids, the bottom line here is if you are looking to move up in the work force, change jobs or (God forbid) please don’t think that MBA carries any weight. You’d better have a whole bunch of letters behind your name. By the way – you are a CERTIFIED MBA, right?

Thursday, July 2, 2009

4.4 million out of work.....


And you want to be granted leave because you have.....

The sniffles?
A headache?
Some emotional problems?
Forgotten to order your meds???

Put on your Big Kid Pants and DEAL WITH IT....

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

The subject line read: “Codeine for you”


My answer: “Yes, please.”

The other day I went into a local Gun Shoppe. I picked out a Sig Sauer P226 9mm hand gun. I asked the gent behind the counter his opinion of the weapon. His response was that it stabbed very, very well.

I then went to the grocery store. I asked the butcher if the steaks were fresh. He replied they were, he used some this morning to clean his bathroom.


Ridiculous? Of course. But no more ridiculous than the following conversations initiated by successful sales people in a highly technical company.


Them: “Our e-mail is broken.”

Me: “What makes you think that?”

Them: “When I send a message to that one guy it comes back with a ‘delayed’ message. Fix our e-mail.”





Them: “The customer wants to know if they have room for three Dell 2950 servers.”

Me: “No problem, they have at least 10 rack units available above their current install.”

Them: “But, I thought they still had room in the chassis for more blades?”

Friday, May 1, 2009

I Guess I Shouldn't Be Surprised . . .


but I am.

Today, for the first time that I can recall, I was blatently lied to by a fellow employee. Two, actually. I guess I shouldn't be too amazed as they are both in sales. See, we have an internal IM system and yesterday (Thursday) three of us got a message from these two folks that a new client wanted six servers up & running by Monday AM - fours calendar days. We have some stringent QA standards - the first being we need a build sheet for each server to tell us what we are building. As of this writing I STILL don't have those.

We build ourown servers, so we kind of like to test them & put them under stress for 48 hours - it's this crazy idea that we want to float a quality product. So, as you can see, IF we got the signed contract Tursday (we didn't) and immediatly set to physically building the servers, got them into stress testing at 0000 Thursday/Friday, we could start loading OS at 0000 Sunday. The Linux would be quick but frakin' Windows takes at least nine hours so there we are Monday AM and we still have done NO QA and Oracle needs to be loaded which takes a day to do.

So, you see the problem. Today, our CTO called a phone meeting to discuss the issue. Durign the call the two sales folks flatly denied EVER having asked for a Monday delivery. They said they only "asked if it could be done."

BULLPUCKEY

How do you know when a sales person is lying?

Their lips are moving.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Below C Level


I have come to accept the fact that I will never be a "C-Level" executive. Nope - never a CEO, CTO, CIO, CSO, CEIEIO. Why? Several reasons;

1) I refuse to trivialize people. I work in a very technical environment. We have processes & procedures for almost everything. The way to kick off an action is thru our trouble ticket system. It's very easy to open a trouble ticket; you send an e-mail. So, why do my C-Levels, send ME e-mail to open a ticket for them?

2) I am not afraid to spend the cash NOW for expansion in the future. My mother used to say; "Sometimes you need to spend money to make money." So true. If your sellable item is space, and you are running out of space, you need to expand your facility - right?

3) Play hard or go home. Every business type has a list of "must haves" for day one if they are going to be taken seriously. For example - a grocery store wouldn't stay open long with no refrigerators. A gas station would quickly fail with no pumps. The idea that you can start an enterprise by skimping on the essentials and back fill later is rediculous and will bite you in the rear in the long run.

4) Boards of Directors RARELY know what the Hell I am doing. If you opened a hospital, would you populate your BoD with actors? If you were opening a security firm, wouldn't it be nice to have some security professionals on your BoD?

5) No cronyism from failed firms. When a firm fails it's, generanlly, for one of two reasons - bad management or failed sales. So, just because you worked at XYZ does not mean you have to hire the staff FROM XYZ - especially if that staff was the group that failed!!!!! Seriously - would you hire Bernie Ebbers to manage ANYTHING????

6) Suits. My God I hate wearing a suit or necktie. Seriously - what does the suit represent? I've heard fools say it's a show of respect. TO WHOM?? And what does that really say? "I recognize you as a superior being so I am going to dress myself in layers of cotton & wool during June in Washington DC." Seriously - WTF? Do cops on duty wears suits? Fire fighters? Soldiers? Sailors? Airmen? Marines? Hells no! I really MUST question the sensibility of a man that ties a noose around his own neck every morning. Besides, when the Zombies attack - they will be attracted to wool & silk. Good luck running in those shoes, lunchmeat!

Monday, March 30, 2009

Wanna Feel Important?

Wanna act like a Big Cheese? Wanna waste hours & hours of your peoples' precious time? Hold a frakking meeting!!!!

So, click on this, You only need to watch the first 5 seconds.....

DirecTV Ad

OK - see mister "walk in looking pissed and announce 'It's gonna be a late one, people.'"? See him? He needs to be fired, taken out back & given a sock party. Why In The HELL should any of his reports be forced to cancel their plans because Boso the Feces Head can't get a project planned/done/updated/whatever during normal business hours???? Is this guy a moron that can't use a day planner, or just a douchbag that has no life of his own and needs to inflict that misery on others?

The meeting is as old hat & washed up as the suit and power lunch. All of these are vestiges of a bygone time where wearing a suit showed the world that you "had arrived." Give me a frakkin' break. In this day and age of e-mail, PowerPoint & Excel if you need to hold a meeting - you are a really BAD communicator - REALLY BAD.

So, let me tell you about my "perfect meeting room." It's a windowless, concrete box. It has ONE door, next to which is a basket into which are placed all pagers, crackberries, cell phones, etc. Once inside there is a meeting table that is about four feet high. All lighting is halogen and there is NO Internet connection as the room has no CAT5 jacks nor does it have "signal" to any damned thing. There are no chairs, mats or any other comforts - no water, softdrinks or access to restrooms. Can you say "Hello!" to the 30 minute "meeting."

Do meetings just happen at work? No. Tonight I was called to a "mandatory meeting" for a HS band trip (for my girl child) to Boston. Was it necessary? HELLS NO!!!!! It was a frakking recruiting ploy for the Band Boosters!!!!

STOP IT I have NO time for frovel...frivou.. stupid damned meetings. If you have something to tell me - frakking hit "Send."

Friday, December 12, 2008

Not to Beat a Dead Horse . . .

As you can tell from a previous post I get more than a bit peeved when folks call out "sick" from work. It's espcially aggrevating when they call out and I check their FaceBook status that says; "Really Wimpy Guy is SOOOOOOOO hungover." So, because junior can't manage his life I am now a man down and have to find someone to cover as I need two people on deck at all times.

Well, the next time you feel like not working because you have a headache, consider the following.....

This is an excerpt from a Washington Post article (URL at the end)reporting on the awarding of the Silver Star to 10 Green Berets from Operational Detachment Alpha 3336 of the 3rd Special Forces Group. The article reads:

As Ford and Staff Sgt. John Wayne Walding returned fire, Walding was hit below his right knee. Ford turned and saw that the bullet "basically amputated his right leg right there on the battlefield."

Walding, of Groesbeck, Tex., recalled: "I literally grabbed my boot and put it in my crotch, then got the boot laces and tied it to my thigh, so it would not flop around. There was about two inches of meat holding my leg on." He put on a tourniquet, watching the blood flow out the stump to see when it was tight enough.

Then Walding tried to inject himself with morphine but accidentally used the wrong tip of the syringe and put the needle in this thumb, he later recalled. "My thumb felt great," he said wryly, noting that throughout the incident he never lost consciousness. "My name is John Wayne," he said.


So, sniffles, what say you haul your sorry carcass out of bed and get to work?

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/12/11/AR2008121104080.html?hpid=moreheadlines

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Documentation

Oh Dear Lord... no, please. Anything but that. Well, almost anything.

I have to re-write our Business Continuity Plan. From scratch.

Perhaps I condense it to: Update resume, post on Craig's List.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

PUT ON YOUR BIG KID PANTS AND DEAL WITH IT!!!!!

So.Fscking.Tired.Of.Whiney.Employees.That.Can't.Or.Won't.Manage.Their.Own.Life.

"Sorry - no sleep last night - can't come in."
"Sorry - stuck on the toilet - can't come in."
"Sorry - BLAH BLAH BLAH WORDS -can't come in."
"Sorry - BLAH BLAH BLAH WORDS -can't come in."
"Sorry - BLAH BLAH BLAH WORDS -can't come in."
"Sorry - BLAH BLAH BLAH WORDS -can't come in."
"Sorry - BLAH BLAH BLAH WORDS -can't come in."
"Sorry - BLAH BLAH BLAH WORDS -can't come in."
"Sorry - BLAH BLAH BLAH WORDS -can't come in."
"Sorry - BLAH BLAH BLAH WORDS -can't come in."
"Sorry - BLAH BLAH BLAH WORDS -can't come in."
"Sorry - BLAH BLAH BLAH WORDS -can't come in."
"Sorry - BLAH BLAH BLAH WORDS -can't come in."
"Sorry - BLAH BLAH BLAH WORDS -can't come in."
"Sorry - BLAH BLAH BLAH WORDS -can't come in."
"Sorry - BLAH BLAH BLAH WORDS -can't come in."
"Sorry - BLAH BLAH BLAH WORDS -can't come in."

OK - who the Hell manages YOUR life & YOUR health? You want the short answer? YOU!!!!!!
YOU!!!!!!
YOU!!!!!!
YOU!!!!!!
YOU!!!!!!


DO YOU FRACKING GET IT YET???????

Go The Hell To Bed.
Eat The Right Foods.
Get The Proper Exercise.

Do you work for me? If so, know this:
I am at least 13 years older than you.
I Exercise 3X more than you - and I can prove it.
I eat better than you do - and I can prove it.
I can out-drink your ass any day - and I can prove it.
At the end of the year I will sacrifice 5+ sick days while you will be in the red - and I can prove it.
The last time I took unscheduled time off was because I found my Mom DEAD in her condo - and I can prove it.



FRACKING PUT ON YOUR BIG KID PANTS AND FRACKING GET THE FRACK INTO WORK. DO YOU HEAR ME NOW??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Monday, November 24, 2008

Sale's professionals should have no technology more advanced than an Etch-a-Sketch

And even that might be a bit much.

I cannot tell you how many hours I have spent on the clock and off the clock repairing & cleaning the laptops of sales "professionals." It seems that regardless of teh myriad of warnigs the I.T. world sends out they simply seem hell-bent on following the instructions of every e-mail they get even if the DON'T have an account at Bank of America.

Why? Why do they do this? Seriously, I have seen NO other classificiation of professional with such a high rate of laptop destruction. I just finished cleaning the laptop of a real estate agent. It took not two, not three but SIX individual tools to eradicate all of the virii, backdoors & browser hijacks on the poor thing. It had more trojans in it than a college dorm in the 80s!

Oh, and the very first time I saw a cell phone hijacked? Yep - sales geek.

Monday, November 3, 2008

How hard is it?

To replace the roll of paper towls over the sink? I swear, I do not want to see the inside of some of my co-workers' houses.